I’m about to get really real.
I’m sitting here trying to focus on finals with a million other things on my mind. Like how silly do I look when I say that, what does this person think, and I’m not smart enough to talk to that person. Turning into I’m not smart enough for this final tomorrow. Turning into I’m not smart enough for any of this research. Turning into I’ve dropped the ball on so much. How can I have these kinds of plans but be frozen in action? And then I break down. It’s not even about the stuff anymore, or school. Or people. It’s about the suit, and “funeral” and 5 days. About what I have and haven’t said and if she understands how much she has meant to me. About what I remember from when I was a kid and how no one else made me so happy with banana bread and pennies. I can’t even say all the things I want to say, not even because it’s too late but because I don’t want her to feel that heavy when she should feel peace. And I don’t want her to be scared or hurt. I lose it because no matter what I do, I can’t change what has happened and will happen. And I can’t soak up what everyone else feels, or else I would, so they didn’t have to feel all of it.
This isn’t something I can fit into a neat little sentence to quickly explain everything away. But I feel it, and I can’t fix it. For anyone at all.