Breakfast

Pills, Pills, Pills

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On a normal day, I take at least 8 pills. Four in the morning, four at night. Inhibitors (for the cancer), a steroid, and my regular anti-depressant and birth control. I’m prescribed numerous other pills to take on an as needed basis, including pain meds and manna from heaven that comes in the form of a tiny dissolving pill called Zofran. Thank you God for the sweet relief of Zofran. Plus, since five of the lovely little daily pills tend to bring on fevers from time to time, I’m also getting very well acquainted with Advil and Tylenol.

I used to be bad at remembering to take pills. Now I’m very good at remembering. These pills take up so much of my head space — how are you going to forget to take meds that you pray every day are saving your life?

It might seem like a pain to have to take so much medication per day. But I am so, so happy to take these pills. These $18,000-per-month pills that cost me the most minute fraction of that because I’m fortunate enough to have good insurance. I’m even happy when I start to get joint pain that makes it hard to bend my knees or use my feet. I’m OK with being tired. As much as the fevers can knock me out sometimes, I’m even fine with those. Hooray for side effects! OK, maybe on Saturday when I was curled up in bed shivering and sobbing from fever chills and actually crawled to my shower just to try to get warm … maybe at that moment I wasn’t cheering for the fevers. But these are things I can handle. When it comes down to it, I’m just glad the medicine is doing something inside me.

Today they’ll put me back in a big machine to see just what that “something inside me” has been. And tomorrow I’ll know if my doctor thinks these drugs are working well enough to keep going or if he thinks we should switch to immunotherapy treatment. I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel going into this PET scan other than that I really hope my tumors have shrunk. That’s the best I can hope for, so there it is. It feels weird to vocalize, like maybe you don’t say that right beforehand so you don’t jinx it or ask too much or something — but that’s what I want. I want to be getting better.

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