My Performance

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I’ve always been a performer, ever since I was little. I craved attention, still do. Dancing, singing, putting on a show — it just came naturally. But not just onstage. I’m a performer in everyday life. It’s not on purpose exactly. I think we all do this to some extent, but I know mine is quite a lot. My family and close friends could probably tell you that they can see the switch flip when I’m “on.” I’m at least self-aware about this.

It’s not that I’m being fake. I’m just presenting as being in my best state. It is subconsciously done. I don’t even think about what I’m doing — when it’s time, I’m just on.

Part of this must come from my desire to manifest positivity, which I think is of utmost importance. It makes me feel happier and more in control. But the rest of it, I have no idea. I think most people have a fear of vulnerability, so that may play into it. But it honestly comes so naturally that really don’t know why it’s my go-to. I certainly don’t feel like I have to act like I feel good all the time (so save me the lecture). I just do.

To be clear: I am good. I am emotionally doing pretty well, and a lot of the time I do feel good. But some of the time I physically do not. Especially lately, I sometimes feel very fatigued. But when I’m on, I don’t act like I’m tired. By all appearances, I’m normal. And I just go.

I don’t know the point exactly of sharing this; I suppose it’s just an observation. I’m unclear on the “why” (and sometimes on the “how,” to be honest), but I know that it’s what I do, and it probably won’t change significantly. Maybe I want people to know that I do get tired and I do have bad days, and you may not see it. But I’m sure that’s true for a lot of people. And we’re just going. And whatever way we choose to handle it, that’s OK.

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